Eviscerati.org: All Hail the Eviscerati

Obligatory Snarky Title

Christopher Wright — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 21:34:09 -0500

I don't think these guys are quite ready to go live just yet.

Ask.com Completely Misses The Point

Christopher Wright — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 04:00:00 -0500

Today's examination of cultural fluff comes courtesy of YouTube.

Ask.com has decided it's tired of playing second fiddle to other, more successful search engines and has decided to start a campaign to let people know exactly how good their search engine is:

The Algorithm is Ask.com's secret weapon against Google and Yahoo! It is so incredibly powerful, so mind-numbingly sophisticated, that all other search algorithms are rendered utterly impotent by comparison:

The Algorithm is mighty. It is on the very cutting edge of search technology, making it capable of some of the most wonderous feats ever imagined by man.

... like finding half naked women on the internet.

... or finding websites about tabloid celebrities.

As clever as these ads may be, does it bother anyone else that Ask.com is essentially touting what it claims to be the most sophisticated search algorithm known to man as a way to find pinups on the web?

Is there a search engine on the web that can't do this?

Let's start with the Internet at it's most basic: from the moment college students were allowed to use the Internet -- in fact, in all likelihood, even before college students were allowed to use the Internet -- there have been pictures of naked, half-naked, somehwat naked, provacatively clothed, provacatively unclothed, and other variations and combinations of clothed and unclothed women for the satiation of purient indulgence. It's not difficult to find these pictures on the web -- in fact, it's possible to find them without using a search engine at all. Thanks to the Internet, pornography can now survive Nuclear Armageddon.

And searching for celebrities? Please show me a search engine that can't search for articles about Kato Kaelin. Or anyone else that comes to mind.

I understand that what with the overwhelming success of Google, there is really only room for one or two other search engines to get any kind of mainstream recognition at all, and one of those other search engines is probably always going to be Yahoo! Ask.com wants punchy commercials that people remember, but I'm not convinced that ultimately people will remember the right things: in it's eagerness to imprint itself on the psyche of internet users all over the world it created two advertisements that essentially said "look how strong I am -- I can pick up that box of tissue paper with just one hand!"

How powerful is the Algorithm? It's powerful enough to allow you to search for trivialities. Not, I think, the impression that Ask.com was trying to make.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they aren't trying to compete with Google. Maybe they're trying to compete with Wikipedia.

Choose Your Own Misadventure

Christopher Wright — Sat, 30 Jun 2007 15:15:25 -0500

You wake up. It is dark.

::LOOK

It is very dark. You might get eaten by a Grue.

::GET UP

The pillow slides off your face as you force yourself to sit up in your bed. Sunlight streams in through the tiny window of your bedroom. Apparently it is not as dark as you originally thought.

::LOOK

Sunlight streams in through the tiny window of your bedroom. A pair of worn slippers sit on the bare hardwood floor, and a threadbare bathrobe drapes across the back of the chair sitting in front of your computer desk.

You see:

A pillow.
A bed.
A worn pair of slippers.
A threadbare bathrobe.
A chair.
A computer desk.
A closet door.
A bedroom door.

::STAND

You stand unsteadily on your bed. Your boxspring mattress creaks uneasily. You feel somewhat foolish.

::SIT

You sit back on your bed, feeling a bit more secure.

::GET OUT OF BED

You get out of bed and stand on the cold hardwood floor. You shiver in the chilly morning air. Your feet are freezing.

::LOOK

You see:

A pillow.
A bed.
A worn pair of slippers.
A threadbare bathrobe.
A chair.
A computer desk.
A closet door.
A bedroom door.

You are very cold!
Your feet are freezing!

::GET SLIPPERS

You pick up the slippers.

You are very cold!
Your feet are freezing!

::WEAR SLIPPERS

Your feet slide into the slippers comfortably. They are a little thin, but the floor no longer feels as cold as it had.

::WEAR BATHROBE

You do not have a bathrobe.

::GET BATHROBE

You pick up the bathrobe.

::WEAR BATHROBE

You put on the bathrobe. It has seen better days, but you feel much better.

::LOOK DESK

The desk appears to have a computer on it.

::EXAMINE DESK

You are too far away from the desk to do this.

::GO DESK

I do not understand this command.

::APPROACH DESK

I do not understand this command.

::SIT

You sit on the floor.

::STAND

You stand up.

::LOOK CHAIR

It is a chair. It looks as if someone could sit in it.

::SIT CHAIR

You walk over to the chair and sit in it. The chair squeaks softly as you turn in it to face the desk.

::LOOK DESK

The desk appears to have a computer on it.

::EXAMINE DESK

The desk is a standard computer desk made out of cheap metal and particle board. On top of the desk is a Norbist 4000 Personal Computer running the very latest version of Ubersoft Nifty Doorways Verandah.

::USE COMPUTER

How shall I use the computer?

::LOOK COMPUTER

The computer is currently turned off.

::TURN ON COMPUTER

You press the power button on the computer. The computer beeps, and suddenly words and numbers scroll up the monitor at speeds too fast for the human eye to track.

::WAIT

The computer finishes POST, then a splash screen for Ubersoft Nifty Doorways Verandah appears.

::LOOK SPLASH SCREEN

It is very nifty.

::WAIT

The splash screen disappears. The words "loading device drivers" flash on the screen.

::WAIT

The words "loading device drivers" disappear. The words "loading DRM modules" flash on the screen.

::WAIT

The words "loading DRM modules" disappear. The words "loading antivirus modules" flash on the screen.

::WAIT

The words "loading antivirus modules" disappears. The words "loading company-mandated keylogging spyware module" flash on the screen.

::WAIT

All text disappears on the screen. A flashing keyprompt blinks urgently in the upper left-hand corner of the screen.

::WAIT